My friend Evan wrote a wonderful piece on Love and Dating. In it he mentioned that he could not give advice on getting into someone’s pants, because others would know more about that than him. When I read that, I knew he was talking about me. Surely I’m the only expert on getting into pants that he knows? And surely Evan was reaching out to me to share my wisdom with the masses? Nice one, Evan. So here it is, my definitive guide to getting into someone’s pants. You can thank me later. I prefer cash monies but if the thank you gift is nice enough and in good resale condition, that is fine too.

Action Points for Getting into Someone’s Pants:

Step 1. It helps if you both wear the same size. If not, the first step is not to panic. Duct tape and fatty foods works well if the aforementioned pants are too big, and a good pair of scissors or a healthy regimen of vigorous exercise and a balanced diet will work when they are too small.

Step 2. Once you have cleared the hurdles of Step 1, check pants for dangerous wildlife or fire. There may be a reason these pants are currently unfilled.

Step 2.9 Some pants are constructed by vile brownies to trick you, so you may need to perform a check on pant facing before Step 3. Ensure pants are facing the right way before commencing limb insertion.

Step 3. Insert one leg (your own) into the corresponding pant leg (the pants). Whether you start with your right or left leg, it’s not up to me to judge you sinister bastards. (Fakeedit: If I may blow my own trumpet, I’m quite proud of that bit of wordplay).

Step 4. Insert other leg into corresponding pant leg.

Step 4+. Zip, clasp, arc-weld, solder, staple, lick-the-gummy-bits-so-they-become-sticky, fasten, or button up the pants to ensure full seal.

Step 5. ????

Step 6. PROFIT! (Fakeedit 2 – Electric Boogaloo: I’m so sorry. So so sorry. In my defense, this is my first time actually using this tired retread)

Step 7. Call. Don’t be a jerk.