Adventures at Hot Value Mart: Backstroke of the Knock-Off Chinese Toys

I was recently back in Malaysia and Jeannie was kind enough to take me out on a great date, involving that most entertaining of pastimes: marveling at Chinese knock-off toys in a discount store. I was going to post these up on Instagram, but Jeannie already did that and I also have so many photos that I thought it’d make a good post too.

We’ll start things off easy, with some knock-off LEGO kits.

Knockoff LEGO Three Kingdoms

Terrible CG on the cover aside, this isn’t actually a bad idea for a series of kits. Mecha versions of legendary warriors would be pretty cool, but the build quality promised by the cover really leaves much to be desired. I’m hoping some builders could actually take this idea and run with it. This Cantonese Opera version of Guan Yu and Cao Cao already looks great, so you could just add some V-Fins, verniers, FAST packs etc. and call it a day.

Steve Jobs Dororo

Looks like this knock-off nanoblock version of Steve Jobs is ripped-off this design.

Famous Super Heroes

What I love about the names of these knock-offs is often how blatant they are. You can’t get more obvious than  “Famous Super Heroes”.

Truck

I guess you can. Also, Flashing Enter is what got me into trouble with the campus authorities.

Earth Tutelary

Even Bionicle/Hero Factory is represented. Points for using the word tutelary, I guess. War For the Invrder form Space hints that maybe Earth needs some protecting from spelling errors.

Knockoff LEGO Small Vehicles

I know LEGO do tiny sets that often seem like a waste of packaging, but they usually provide a minifig at least. Can’t argue with that price though.

Fake Transformer Minifigs

Speaking of minifigs, these ones look pretty OK.

Robot Top Deformation

Though, if you’re going to do knock-off Transformers x LEGO, might as well go big. Deformation is a running theme in the realm of naming knock-off Transformers.

Deformation Tycoon

I mean, you could go be a Generals Deform, or a straight-up Deformation Tycoon. No one can stop your deformation ambitions.

Distortion Android

Distortion is close, but it’s no deformation. Deformation does get a mention on the box, though. The New Deformation Robot Movie sounds pretty exciting.

Taikongshenrs

Of course, you could just give up on deformation and go straight to Taikongshenr-ing. Whatever that means.

Taikongshenrs 2

The Taikongshenrs font looks really good, I must say.

Toy Specimen

Moving on from the robots, here you can educate children on the wonders of gambling for only RM8.90. It certainly is a Toy Specimen. I’m expecting to be able to buy Entertainment Product at the next store I visit.

Toxophily

You have to give credit to the tireless thesaurus work being done. I am really learning so many new words thanks to the efforts of these fine people.

The Dog Shot Out

We found a whole bunch of loosely themed cars. I like the description for this one the most. It’s universally appealing, and I love it when the dog shot out.

Super Bus Avengers

The ‘Venger Bus is coming, and everybody’s jumping. Two thumbs up.

Spider Car

Still only about as ridiculous as the actual Spider-Mobile. The resemblance to Lightning McQueen is just another example of Disney’s Corporate Synergy at work.

Powered by Goodle

I’m not sure what goodle is actually powering here. Looks like just some bits of cardboard. Surely you’d only need fossil fuels for that?

My Plant Touch

My Plant Touch is only reserved for special occasions like anniversaries, birthdays, state funerals and the release of a new Beyonce album.

Mask Superman Federal Hero

The state-level heroes weren’t really pulling their weight.

Lovely Aeronef

All that work on thesaurus searches and none on spelling. Unless they meant the wargame rules?

Can To Be A Chair

My tool can to be a chair too. I’ve had people sit on it and it was a very pleasant experience for everyone involved.

Interest Walker

I always let the wood be also joyful. It’s only fair.

Crazy Chariot

I’ve got nothing on the Crazy Chariot. I just think it’s cool. The weird thing about seeing these knock-off toys now, as an adult, is remembering that I would have been happy playing with any of them as a kid. Imported “authentic” toys don’t come cheap, and when you’re a tiny child you don’t really care as long as it moves around, has some cool moving parts and lights and sounds. Some of the toys on sale still weren’t cheap, but they are definitely cheaper than the “real” ones. You play with what you can afford, I guess.

Pooh Head

Also sometimes you get weird stuff like Pooh’s head on a human body riding a bike.

Motorcycle the Pooh

The alternative is Pooh looking like a suburban dad on a riding lawnmower.

Lovely Horse

This one’s for Evan, since he does love fun, lovely horses.

Cock

And finally, if you want your children happy to help grow, just get them some Cock.

P.S. – The title is a reference to a hilarious subtitling job of Revenge of the Sith. If you’ve never heard of Backstroke of the West, I highly recommend checking it out.

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