In the most recent podcast, Daniel reminded me of something I did long ago in the mists of time, when the year was 2009. I wrote some six-word summaries of various TV shows and movies, after Jeannie got me a book about Six-Word Memoirs. I’ve seen other people post them online too. While other humans use the form to tell minimalist stories of heartbreak, victory, regret, joy, and humanity, I use them to make jokes about the media that I consume. Yay me. They’re really fun to do! I like the format, since you really want to think hard on which aspect of that work you want to zero in and make dick jokes of. Here are some that I did from way back when:

• Lost – Show title accurately describes viewing experience.
• House – Angry “doctor” hobbles around abusing people.
• Prison Break – Dude jailed, saves brother. Not raped.
• Lord of the Rings – Hey guys let’s destroy this ring.
• Heroes – Save the cheerleader, save the world. (Oh wait..)
• Juno – George Michael knocks up Kitty Pryde. (Bonus extended version: Parents J.Jonah Jameson and that lady from the West Wing are cool with it, then that guy from Arrested Development and Elektra try to steal the baby)
• The Curious Case of Benjamin Button – Guy ages backwards, awkward love life.
• Slumdog Millionaire – Teaboy aces quiz, attracts lover’s attention.
• The Sixth Sense – Bruce Willis was dead all along.
• Titanic – Big ship sinks, lovers screwed over.
• Flight of the Conchords – Kiwi duo dick around singing songs.
• Pirates of the Carribean – Johnny Depp prances around speaking funny.
• The Matrix – Dude discovers life is basically WoW.
• Speed Racer – JUMPING CARS! MOTHER FLIPPING JUMPING CARS!
• The Shawshank Redemption – Accountant framed, outwits corrupt warden, escapes.
• 300 – Naked dudes fight in slow motion.
• Iron Man – Rich industrialist dons armour, kicks ass. (And he built it IN A CAVE! WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!)
• Batman Begins – Rich playboy cosplays bat, kicks ass. (Wait a minute.. Oh. And he did it in a cave. With some ninjas maybe?)
• Watchmen – Costumed heroes suck at saving world.

I also did two horrible ones in the podcast notes which are reproduced here:

• Iron Man 3 – Gwyneth Paltrow’s abs are pretty nice.
• Star Trek Into Darkness – Bend Yer Dick Cum Her Snatch

I guess I should complete the sets:

• Iron Man 2 – Tony who? I’m here for Scarlett.
• Star Trek – Alternate timeline Kirk and Spock slash.

Howsabout some TV shows?

• How I Met Your Mother – Whiny douchebag tells long winded tale.
• New Girl – Nick Miller, manchild of my dreams.
• Community – Six goofballs warm callous lawyer’s soul.
• 30 Rock – Driven woman weathers idiots, impresses God.
• Parks and Recreation – Workaholic government official improves others’ lives.
• Batman the Brave and the Bold – Fun Batman done right, Aquaman approves.

Comics maybe?

• Invincible – Superman archetype written consistently, incredibad codenames.
• Scott Pilgrim – Fight exes, find love, self respect.
• Chew – Cop eats to learn, chicken destroys.
• The Unwritten – Harry Potter effigy conquers literal demons.
• Marvel Adventures: The Avengers – Avengers without all the fucking bullshit.
• Atomic Robo – Tesla’s automaton practices science and punching.
• Astro City – Superhero tropes unmask real human stories.

Sprinkle on some Webcomics:

• Penny Arcade – Two dudes making jpegs about videogames.
• Hark! A Vagrant – Funny stories about History, Canada, Family.
• Nimona – Shapeshifting shark complicates ethical villain’s plots.
• Questionable Content – Coffee, music and profanity-yelling bird.
• xkcd – Romance, sarcasm, math and language webcomic.

You like board games, right?

• Agricola – Farming and family growth sex jokes.
• Puerto Rico – Chocolate people worked in my plantations
• Race for the Galaxy – What do these symbols mean again?
• Power Grid – AGGH why low plants come now?
• Village – I need grandpa to die now.
• Battlestar Galactica – Red Card? Brig that frakking toaster.
• Galaxy Trucker – Oh Gods I forgot my shields!

How about some video games? You like those too?

• Portal – Malicious artificial intelligence lies about cake.
• World of Warcraft – Real job interviews aren’t as stringent.
• Final Fantasy 7 – Aerith dies, Cloud and Sephiroth fuck.
• Final Fantasy X – Best blitzball simulator on the market.
• Dark Cloud 2 – Most coherent side mechanics, unfairly overlooked.
• Tetris – Where are the motherfucking straight pieces?
• Civilization – Just one more turn, I promise.

I could keep going… but as you can see, the quality kind of bottoms out. I’d love to see other people have their go at six-word summaries too! Post some in the comments or hit me up on the Twitters. I’m sure all you attractive and smart people out there can come up with great ones.